Glimmers

There have been some glimmers happening. Glimmers of new beginnings. Glimmers of hope. Glimmers of better times ahead.

I am waiting on the glimmers to see if they are real and to see if God’s hand is in the midst of them. I am not getting too excited yet or making any plans for the future. I am just watching the glimmers and looking for hope.

Here is one of the glimmers. I had a job interview. I didn’t get the job but the glimmer is that an organization wanted to interview me and considered me for a position. It reminded me that I have good skills and that somewhere out there is another job waiting for me that I can put my creative energy into.

Another glimmer. The dear one has a couple of bishops who are encouraging him to find a parish. There might just be a place that he can live out his priestly calling.

I will watch the glimmers. I will look for God’s direction. I will look for hope.

Reflection on an Ending

I am struggling to find words for the emotions that are going through me this week. I am in the last days of a position that I have held for a long time. This work is not ending by my choice. It is not ending because I haven’t done good work. It is ending because of church politics and I have got caught in the midst of them.

I am sad, angry, lost and weeping. I am once again full of grief. I have been crying on and off for the last two days. I told the dear one that I thought I wouldn’t have anymore tears to cry and I do. I have done good work and it is all ending. All ended with two boxes of files and display materials being dropped off. I am sad.

I had hoped that by this point that I would be able to accept what is happening and just move on, but I can’t.

I feel abandoned by the church (the institution not the people) that I have put so much of my creative energy and effort into.  So the question arises how do I move forward? How do I take the good that I have done and remember it and let it be.

I want to be done with the grief. I want to be able to enjoy things. I want to dream of new possibilities. I want to find God in the people I meet and live with. Just can’t at the moment.

I ‘ll continue to walk in the desert dragging my faith behind me as I go.

What to do?

I am really struggling at the moment to hear God in the midst of what is going on with us during this time.

I have been struck down before. When my mother was killed in a car accident almost 27 years ago I was so grief stricken I could hardly move. However I still could hear God at that time. I could hear God through my family, our friends, Mum’s friends, through my church community. May be that’s the difference this time around – where is the community?

Now I know that many of you reading this will say that you are my community and you are. But with this time of loss and grief  I don’t seem to have a physical community. I don’t have many around who I can lean on and ask to pray for me and with me. I don’t have a church community that I can sit and be in and allow the worship to heal me. I have been  pushed so far to the edges personally and professionally that I can’t hear God at the moment. I am finding it difficult to pray – even to lead grace at our family meals. It is probably because I can’t find much to be thankful for at the moment. I am trying but it is just so hard.

I am asking myself this question: what to do? what to do?

Do I just sit and mope – not really my style for those that know me. Do I complain and moan – seem to be doing a lot of that on here and not sure I can find a better way of doing that.

No I am going to take this situation and look for something better. A better place to live. A better work opportunity for both the dear one and for me. I am going to try and find a way to pray even when it is hard to do. I am going to wait in hope for a new church community to belong to soon.