Faith from the Edges

Faith and life from the perspective of me.

Archive for the month “June, 2012”

Glimmers

There have been some glimmers happening. Glimmers of new beginnings. Glimmers of hope. Glimmers of better times ahead.

I am waiting on the glimmers to see if they are real and to see if God’s hand is in the midst of them. I am not getting too excited yet or making any plans for the future. I am just watching the glimmers and looking for hope.

Here is one of the glimmers. I had a job interview. I didn’t get the job but the glimmer is that an organization wanted to interview me and considered me for a position. It reminded me that I have good skills and that somewhere out there is another job waiting for me that I can put my creative energy into.

Another glimmer. The dear one has a couple of bishops who are encouraging him to find a parish. There might just be a place that he can live out his priestly calling.

I will watch the glimmers. I will look for God’s direction. I will look for hope.

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Reflection on an Ending

I am struggling to find words for the emotions that are going through me this week. I am in the last days of a position that I have held for a long time. This work is not ending by my choice. It is not ending because I haven’t done good work. It is ending because of church politics and I have got caught in the midst of them.

I am sad, angry, lost and weeping. I am once again full of grief. I have been crying on and off for the last two days. I told the dear one that I thought I wouldn’t have anymore tears to cry and I do. I have done good work and it is all ending. All ended with two boxes of files and display materials being dropped off. I am sad.

I had hoped that by this point that I would be able to accept what is happening and just move on, but I can’t.

I feel abandoned by the church (the institution not the people) that I have put so much of my creative energy and effort into.  So the question arises how do I move forward? How do I take the good that I have done and remember it and let it be.

I want to be done with the grief. I want to be able to enjoy things. I want to dream of new possibilities. I want to find God in the people I meet and live with. Just can’t at the moment.

I ‘ll continue to walk in the desert dragging my faith behind me as I go.

What to do?

I am really struggling at the moment to hear God in the midst of what is going on with us during this time.

I have been struck down before. When my mother was killed in a car accident almost 27 years ago I was so grief stricken I could hardly move. However I still could hear God at that time. I could hear God through my family, our friends, Mum’s friends, through my church community. May be that’s the difference this time around – where is the community?

Now I know that many of you reading this will say that you are my community and you are. But with this time of loss and grief  I don’t seem to have a physical community. I don’t have many around who I can lean on and ask to pray for me and with me. I don’t have a church community that I can sit and be in and allow the worship to heal me. I have been  pushed so far to the edges personally and professionally that I can’t hear God at the moment. I am finding it difficult to pray – even to lead grace at our family meals. It is probably because I can’t find much to be thankful for at the moment. I am trying but it is just so hard.

I am asking myself this question: what to do? what to do?

Do I just sit and mope – not really my style for those that know me. Do I complain and moan – seem to be doing a lot of that on here and not sure I can find a better way of doing that.

No I am going to take this situation and look for something better. A better place to live. A better work opportunity for both the dear one and for me. I am going to try and find a way to pray even when it is hard to do. I am going to wait in hope for a new church community to belong to soon.

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