Faith from the Edges

Faith and life from the perspective of me.

Archive for the month “February, 2012”

Thanksgivings

Today I am feeling thankful. Here is what is making my heart full of gratitude today.

  • For all of you who have had or are just reading this for the first time.
  • The responses from my online community to my earlier posts – for the honest feelings being shared, for the ideas, for the support. 
  • Renovations! I know many will be surprised by that, but my house is looking really fine. The dear one is doing an amazing job. It is giving a real focus to both of us in the midst of this desert time.
  • Being able to say morning prayer with the dear one. For prayer candles from our son. For the singing bowl he gave his father. For time to connect in prayer with the wider church and all those who are praying each day.
  • A friend who has taken me out for lunch on Wednesday’s for over a year now to give me a chance to vent, share. listen and be loved. This has been a lifeline for me.
  • Our families – the whole, extended, messy bunch of them. Who love us no matter what. Who have been here with us through all of this time of loss.
  • Mentors who have let me reach out to them and given guidance and asked thoughtful questions and reminded me why mentoring is such an important of all of our lives.
  • A great home office, that is cozy and warm. A great place to work, dream, and be creative.

I am going to try and do this more regularly. I need to remember that even as I walk through the desert there is still joy. Small joys that need to be embraced and held on to.

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Dealing With Life’s Great Wounds: Abandonment

Dealing With Life’s Great Wounds: Abandonment.

Here are some good thoughts about how I am feeling about dealing with my situation. Helpful to remember that Jesus in Gethsemane and on the cross felt alone.

My loss, is my loss. But I am reminded that I am not walking in the desert alone.

Why Sunday’s are not my friend

What do you do on a Sunday when you don’t have a church community to go to?

That’s the question that has been going through my head as of late. I used to like Sunday’s. The dear one would get up early – he had a service to get ready for and was out the door by 7 am. I would be a bit more relaxed and get myself and whoever was at home ready for the 10 am service. We would be out the door by 9:30 am (yeah, I know early but I was usually on deck for something or the kids were so we needed to be there by then). I would get to spend some time with some great folks, some of whom became great friends. I would be fed spiritually, emotionally, mentally – ready to go for another week.

Now I kind of hate Sunday’s. They are such a reminder of what is not in my life at the moment. I told the dear one the other day that it would be okay if I just didn’t care, if I just didn’t have any desire to be part of a living church community. Then Sunday’s wouldn’t suck! They would just be another day in the weekend that I could fill with all kinds of fun and creative things. But I do care and I do want to be part of a living church community.

This past Sunday is a perfect example. The dear one is attending the only other Anglican church in our community for his reasons. I just can’t – for me it just raises up too much grief and deep emotions. So there I was battling tears and feeling resentful of the dear one and not wanting to feel resentful at the same time. So we end up having a fight about something not related to this and then there are tears. Just so not good and just so not what Sunday’s are supposed to be about.

At the beginning of the dear one’s medical leave it was almost like a holiday – a break, a time of sabbath. It was restful, full of good music, good food. It was a day that I actually looked forward to. Now it has just gone on too long. Every sabbath time needs to come to an end.

I need to find a way to reclaim Sunday’s for me. To make them different from Saturday’s and every other day of the week. I need a way to spend time in worship that is still communal even if it doesn’t feel that way at the time. I need Sunday’s to be holy time again.

Finding my way through the desert and living with my faith on the edges.

Why I am not giving anything up for Lent

Giving up or taking something on for Lent has been part of my faith life since I was a teenager. This year I have decided that I am not going to do that.

I am not giving anything up because there has been much that has already left my life.

A little background for those who don’t know the story is probably helpful at this point. I am married to a wonderful man who also happens to be an Anglican priest. In June 2010 he was put on medical leave for an ongoing depression by our bishop. It was and continues to be hard for us. After 24 years of going to church, being part of a parish, providing leadership this was all taken away from him and then eventually from me. It quickly became clear that I was not welcome to be part of our parish anymore. That I was a reminder of things that had gone dreadfully wrong – for my husband, for the parish leadership and mostly for our family. So I have lost a community and at this point do not have another one.

I have decided that this Lent I will sit with my grief and look for hope. I will pay attention to the small joys and not look for anything big to happen.  I will continue to nurture those that I can. I will give thanks for my online community who have been a rock through this time.

I will walk through the desert time.

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