Just when I thought it couldn’t get much worse – it has. Oh my, it has.
The dear one’s sister-in-law died earlier this month less than a month after her cancer diagnosis. We travelled from our home to be with my brother-in-law and the rest of the family. The funeral was a celebration of a life well lived and a chance for us all to share our grief. This has been hard for all of us and we will be dealing with this for a while.
This past week I was told that my position that I have held for almost 8 1/2 years is coming to an end as of June 30th. For those who are not aware I, like the dear one, have been employed by the church. I am in a lay leadership position. This position has taken me across the country and helped to raise the profile of this part of the Anglican Church of Canada. I have loved this work. I have done good work as is evidenced by the increasing amount of donations for the northern part of the national church. I will miss this work.
Once again, I am plunged into grief and loss. I am so not sure what the future is going to bring for both of us. The dear one is not sure if he will ever be able to find another parish – if he is just not employable by the church anymore. If the stigma around depression is just going to get in the way of good work for him. I am not sure if I will be able to find work that will allow me to be as creative as my present one.
So for the moment I am walking grief – it is just under the surface of everything I do. I stop for a moment and think about what is going on with us and fall into weeping. I wonder where the joy is going to come from or if this it for the time being.
I know that we are upheld in prayer by many. That many are on our side. That there is support out there for us. The future is scary at the moment. I can’t find a sense of direction or purpose and all I really want to do is scream and have a temper tantrum (not very adult but there you go that is what I am feeling at the moment).
For now, I will keep trudging forward. For now, I will attempt to put this in a place that I can come back to. For now, I will get ready to enjoy a wedding. The wedding of my daughter. But underneath, and she knows this, is this grief which I will have to deal with. There is the future that I will have to face with the dear one.
For now I am walking grief.