Faith from the Edges

Faith and life from the perspective of me.

Archive for the month “April, 2012”

Blessings and Silver Linings

Blessings, silver linings, whatever you want to call them I seem to be finding them. They are popping up in the most interesting places.

Just like this red trillium that I found at my parents place last spring. Popping up in interesting places.

Ever since I announced that my job was ending soon I have received emails, texts, Facebook messages and phone calls from people all across the country. Concerned about me and my family. Cheering for me. Reminding me of my gifts and skills. Allowing me to rant. Letting me weep as necessary. Making me smile. Filling me up with love.

See what I mean. Blessings and silver linings.

It doesn’t mean that this isn’t hard or I won’t have bumps along the way. It just means that I am not alone in this. That I have support and care. Which I realize is much, much more than I know many have when they are in crisis.

So for today I will let myself be loved, cared for and upheld by others. I will give thanks for this blessing, this silver lining,  which has been unexpected but is most gratefully received. Thank you one and all!!

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Walking Grief

Just when I thought it couldn’t get much worse – it has. Oh my, it has.

The dear one’s sister-in-law died earlier this month less than a month after her cancer diagnosis. We travelled from our home to be with my brother-in-law and the rest of the family. The funeral was a celebration of a life well lived and a chance for us all to share our grief. This has been hard for all of us and we will be dealing with this for a while.

This past week I was told that my position that I have held for almost 8 1/2 years is coming to an end as of June 30th. For those who are not aware I, like the dear one, have been employed by the church. I am in a lay leadership position. This position has taken me across the country and helped to raise the profile of this part of the Anglican Church of Canada. I have loved this work. I have done good work as is evidenced by the increasing amount of donations for the northern part of the national church. I will miss this work.

Once again, I am plunged into grief and loss. I am so not sure what the future is going to bring for both of us. The dear one is not sure if he will ever be able to find another parish – if he is just not employable by the church anymore. If the stigma around depression is just going to get in the way of good work for him. I am not sure if I will be able to find work that will allow me to be as creative as my present one.

So for the moment I am walking grief – it is just under the surface of everything I do. I stop for a moment and think about what is going on with us and fall into weeping. I wonder where the joy is going to come from or if this it for the time being.

I know that we are upheld in prayer by many. That many are on our side. That there is support out there for us. The future is scary at the moment. I can’t find a sense of direction or purpose and all I really want to do is scream and have a temper tantrum (not very adult but there you go that is what I am feeling at the moment).

For now, I will keep trudging forward. For now, I will attempt to put this in a place that I can come back to. For now, I will get ready to enjoy a wedding. The wedding of my daughter. But underneath, and she knows this, is this grief which I will have to deal with. There is the future that I will have to face with the dear one.

For now I am walking grief.

Being faithful when it is hard

As I have said in earlier post I miss church. I miss the community. I miss having communion regularly. I miss singing, learning and sharing my faith with others. Given my circumstances I just can’t go there at the moment. This has really been a test of my faith. Why am I still a Christian when the church as an institution has just been so not there for the dear one and I during the last few years? That is a question that keeps echoing in my head.

I am a person that needs to pray with others. I don’t do meditation or contemplative prayer well. I need the other bodies of human beings around to reflect with and share with during prayer time. One of the things that has kept me going is saying morning prayer regularly with the dear one. Reading together from scriptures, paying attention to the church year, keeping a list of those who have asked to pray for them, lighting candles.

It is now Holy Week – the final week of Lent, the week that we follow Jesus from Palm Sunday to the cross. It is usually a busy time for our family – more church services than you can count on one hand. There have been times in the past when juggling family and parish responsibilities has nearly driven me crazy. What I wouldn’t give for a little of that crazy right now. Now I know I won’t be going to a Maundy Thursday service, if I do Good Friday it is likely to be at the local United Church, no Easter Vigil and who knows what I will be doing for Easter Sunday. I think this is the hardest part of trying to maintain my faith in the midst of this time in our lives.

So I will continue to say Morning Prayer with the dear one on a regular basis for this has been truly grounding for both of us.  I will continue to look for God in the greening of the world around me. I will continue to find solace in my friends and family. I will eventually have another church home to be a part of regularly. I will keep the faith!

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