Faith from the Edges

Faith and life from the perspective of me.

What to do?

I am really struggling at the moment to hear God in the midst of what is going on with us during this time.

I have been struck down before. When my mother was killed in a car accident almost 27 years ago I was so grief stricken I could hardly move. However I still could hear God at that time. I could hear God through my family, our friends, Mum’s friends, through my church community. May be that’s the difference this time around – where is the community?

Now I know that many of you reading this will say that you are my community and you are. But with this time of loss and grief  I don’t seem to have a physical community. I don’t have many around who I can lean on and ask to pray for me and with me. I don’t have a church community that I can sit and be in and allow the worship to heal me. I have been  pushed so far to the edges personally and professionally that I can’t hear God at the moment. I am finding it difficult to pray – even to lead grace at our family meals. It is probably because I can’t find much to be thankful for at the moment. I am trying but it is just so hard.

I am asking myself this question: what to do? what to do?

Do I just sit and mope – not really my style for those that know me. Do I complain and moan – seem to be doing a lot of that on here and not sure I can find a better way of doing that.

No I am going to take this situation and look for something better. A better place to live. A better work opportunity for both the dear one and for me. I am going to try and find a way to pray even when it is hard to do. I am going to wait in hope for a new church community to belong to soon.

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6 thoughts on “What to do?

  1. Hey Fiona, I relate — the majority of my faith community are in Vancouver or in the UK, so when I recently ended a relationship, and the grief and disappointment (in the overwhelming sense of the word) the flooded, it felt pretty rough and isolated for me. Having said that, to be fair, I have one (!) Christian friend who has been a rock for me up here, and on a couple occasions, a couple unexpected people turned up at fortuitous times.
    I have discovered over the past weeks (and I’m not BS-ing here) that skype, a good long distance plan, an awesome counsellor via phone, FB have truly ameliorated the sense of isolation — that, and, I’m planning a trip to Vancouver in early July.
    Are you able to travel somewhere where you can attend, at least for a weekend, a church or a retreat that will comfort you and encourage you and affirm you?
    Anyway, just wanted to say your post resonated, I care, and will say prayers for you this evening.

  2. Bob Braxton on said:

    prayers and empathy

  3. The sense of a physical community you can turn to for support, prayer and worship is important. I know you to be an open and giving and loving person. Perhaps a church community of another denomination nearby will be a short term answer. I felt a lot of isolation in small rural communities where the Anglican Church did not have young families like my own. I managed to develop a friendship with the pastors of the United, Pentecostal and Roman Catholic Churches and we formed an interchurch association. The chances are very good that another Christian community may provide the pastoral care you need. In the meantime, your virtual community is here for you, made up of many friends you know personally and who are praying for you. Bless you Fiona for being you. Keep blogging. That helps as well.

  4. Winna on said:

    First of all know that you are loved and that even though we are not physically close you are upheld in prayer daily and people from far and near are rooting for you and caring. You are truly in a wilderness journey but you are not alone and I believe that there is something wonderful waiting for you and Hugh right around the corner. You are a gifted woman and your gifts will be acknowledged and valued. As for a worship community, have you considered slipping into a church where you don’t worship and just lettting the peace and fellowship of that community wash over you if only for a brief period of time. Blogging is good and we all want to hear how the interview goes tomorrow. Be strong – be faithful – and celebrate the wonderful person you are 🙂

  5. Joan on said:

    Fiona, I know from a previous time in another diocese that there is nothing more devastating than being in pain and isolated from loving and supportive community. The pain goes too deep for words and sometimes there is a chasm between that pain and the people who are trying to offer support. I think it is difficult as a public figure (i.e., clergy spouse to name one thing) in a somewhat small place to find a safe temporary church community because you can’t just be anonymous. My prayer is that your job interview will open up a whole new era in your life and Hugh’s that will spill over with blessings which will seem all the sweeter because of what you are going through now. God bless you.

  6. Bob Hannigan on said:

    Dear Fiona, I was working on the history book for St. James’ w ith Aureen Richadson when I learned the story of the tragic event of your Mother’s accident. I didn’t have to imagine how you would be affected as I recalled the loss of my Father when I was 17. My United Church Community that I grew in gave us ever so much support, love, which came from Rev Pickup, who married Mom & Dad, Christened us. Then along with Rev Ward our Pastor at the time, shared the service, and this was the start of our recovery & moving on. Our lives are filled with challenges, disappointments, successes, losses, & complications, & Questions, ( Mainly that one word WHY ?). You are in our prayers at St. James’, & we hope your interview went well. All the best to you & Hugh. Remember,- If at first you don’t succeed,TRY, TRY, AGAIN!

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