Faith from the Edges

Faith and life from the perspective of me.

Archive for the category “Life Happenings”

A River of Women

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River of Women

River of Women

I stand still and watch the colours wave around me

I remember my mother and my grandmothers

I think about my daughters and my nieces

I hold hands with my sister and sisters of my heart

I am in the river of women

This river which holds our blood, our tears

This river of our hopes, our dreams

I move with the colours that swirl around me

I look back and give thanks to the women who walked before me

I am in the river of women

I am surrounded by the colours of grief, the colours of love

I am filled with the songs of women and the cries of women

I am in  a river of persistence and resistance

This river flows over me, around me, beneath me and through me

I am in the river of women

I hear the voices of all the different women who I have crossed paths with

I hear the women who have been abused, catcalled, murdered just because they are women

I drop to my knees on Mother Earth and let my tears fall

My tears join others in the river of women

I am in the river of women

I am lifted up by the river of women

I remember that being a woman is to be strong, to carry pain, to give birth to new things

I look to the future and see women from there beckoning to me

I see the strong women, the Indigenous women, the women of colour hold me up

I am in the river of women

I hear the prayers of women that feed the river

I am upheld by those prayers of hope, love, persistence and resistance

I add my prayer for justice to feed the river of women

I let the river flow through me and set me on my path

I am the river of women

P.S. These are my reflections for this International Women’s Day and some art work I did while reflecting. Grateful for this day that allowed those creative parts of me to merge.

Chronic Pain is not my Friend

As most of you know dear readers I live with a chronic condition – rheumatoid arthritis – I also have bursitis in my right hip. Neither of these conditions are visible so that makes them part of the invisible illnesses that many of us live with every day. This past winter has not been great for me. We have had a lot of humid days and  not enough cold, cold days. This has meant that the inflammation in my joints has been at times overwhelming and present All The Time!

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Inflamed joints – thank you RA

This picture is one I sent my best friend and my sister a while ago. My hands were so painful that I was in tears much of that day – therefore the title of this blog. The only thing I can do when this happens is to stop, take some extra pain medications (on top of the other medication I already take) and rest. Which is what I did.

I also live with peripheral neuropathy which was caused by the chemotherapy drugs for my cancer. Not everyone who has chemo has this side effect but I do. It means that my feet have constant numbness. tingling and sometimes excruciating pain. It’s hard not feeling parts of your feet and getting used to always having some kind of shoe on because you can’t feel where your toes are. Again an invisible condition and one that I am learning to cope with.

Here’s what’s been happening lately. I am dealing with a feedback loop of pain between my RA flares and the neuropathy in my feet – which means that sometimes I can barely stand up on my feet and the numbness and tingling begin to go up my legs. Chronic pain is not my friend and it is definitely not the dear one’s friend as he has to pick up the slack of what I can’t do during these times.

Now you may be asking why I am sharing all of this with you. I mean really does anyone else need to know? Obviously I think the answer is yes, but I know others may not. Here are my reasons:

  1. When I am in pain it becomes very difficult for me to engage with anyone in a good way – whether it is on social media or in real life. I am grumpy and can barely focus on what others are saying to me or asking me to do. So when I get quiet on social media this is why.
  2. This affects my mental and emotional health – it is hard to stay sunny & energetic when you just want to curl up with a warm blanket and your cat – it is hard to get past the pain. Mostly I do but often I don’t. There is a clear connection between my pain levels and my mental and emotional health.
  3. Resting because of bad pain days does not mean I am lazy it means that I am taking care of myself. I am saying that here because we all have that voice in our heads that says things like that and I am learning to give myself permission to just stop and take care of me. If I don’t take care of me I won’t have the energy to do the things I am really passionate about.
  4. So much of what those of us with chronic pain go through is invisible and unspoken. We don’t want to be seen as whining, not strong enough, not together enough. We want to be perceived as independent, strong, capable people and mostly we are, just sometimes we aren’t. I want to be able to ask for help when I need it without the added stigma of incorrect perceptions.

Here I am today, feeling mostly okay. The pain levels are at their most manageable and I have been able to get this blog post done. My commitment to myself is to give me a break and to also give others a break. We are all dealing with stuff and we are all, mostly, doing the best that we can.

 

Mental Health – mine, yours, the other persons

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Let’s all be the light!

In the Christian church today we remember Candlemas – the Feast of the Presentation of Jesus in the temple. It is also the day when we here in the northern hemisphere recognize that we are half way between winter solstice and the spring equinox. Where I live you can definitely tell that the days are getting longer. I happen to love Candlemas and the coming of more light. It reminds me to be light whenever and wherever I can.

A year ago today the dear one went away on clergy retreat (it’s where he is at the moment as well). A week before he left I had just been diagnosed with depression as a result of having cancer – still dealing with that by the way – and I had just started my medication. For those of you who have dealt with that you will know that it takes at least  3 weeks to begin feeling the least bit better. We both thought when he left that I would be okay. Well I wasn’t. I was in tears, I was afraid, I was anxious (the twin sister to depression), I was not okay. I wouldn’t be seeing my therapist for another week and I was not okay.

It meant that on the second full day of his retreat, that I texted him and asked him to call me as soon as he could. We had agreed before he left that he would check his phone regularly to see how I was doing. He phoned me and I was in tears, so many tears, ugly tears, tears that just wouldn’t stop. He spoke to our bishop and the retreat leader and they prayed with him and sent him home. I look back at that episode and realize that I was the lowest emotionally I have ever been. I couldn’t take care of myself. The competent, independent, thoughtful, caring for others woman could not take care of herself. It was awful and I hope I never go back there again.

In my family, both immediate and extended, we talk a fair bit about mental health and how we are all doing. We have all been touched by someone who is struggling, who is on the road to recovery, who seems to be coping well. We have had honest conversations with each other about how we are doing. We have leaned on each other and continue to do so. I have friends who have had similar conversations with me about my mental health and about theirs. Mental health issues has touched everyone I know. It probably has touched you as well dear reader.

You may ask why the connection between Candlemas and mental health. The Feast of the Presentation is about an old faithful man named Simeon who took Jesus in his arms  when his family had brought him to the temple and said this:

“Master, now you are dismissing your servant in peace,
    according to your word;
    for my eyes have seen your salvation,
     which you have prepared in the presence of all peoples,
    a light for revelation to the Gentiles
    and for glory to your people Israel.”

As Anglicans many of us are familiar with that prayer being used during the service of Evening Prayer. It is about God’s light coming for the whole world, a light that cannot be overcome. I think of my mental health in this way, if I am not healthy emotionally, mentally, spiritually then I can’t be that God light for others. I am called to be that God light, you are called to be that God light and so is everyone that we know.

Today I am doing better, I am trying to get enough sleep, eat healthy and take the medication I need to help in that process. I have not so good days, but they are nothing compared to the dark days a year ago. I am thankful for that. I am thankful for the good care I have received from medical professionals, from my therapist, from family and friends, and most of all from the dear one. I am one of the lucky ones, I didn’t slip through any cracks and got the help I needed. My hope and prayer is that others can be taken care of in the same way.

Let’s all be the light for each other and when we can’t let others be that light for us. To that end here are some pictures I have taken recently that capture the light. Enjoy.

 

 

P.S. I promised way back at the beginning of the year, that I would try to do two posts a month, here’s hoping that this month is better than the last one.

Bye, Bye 2016! Hello 2017!

A lot can happen in a year as we all know. 2016 for me has been all about the recovery. Recovery from cancer treatment and then recovery from the depression caused by having cancer. Seeing my hair grow and finally being able to get it cut and then needing another cut and getting a colour! The two pictures above were essentially taken a year apart. I am so grateful to have made it through all the cancer rigamarole and to mostly be feeling more myself.

There has been much that was good about last year and I don’t want to forget that as we say farewell to this past year.

I am grateful for all the family time the dear one and I got in this year. Time with his folks, time with my folks, time with our adult lovelies, time to take an extra special holiday to the west coast with two nieces and a nephew. How much fun did we all have on our adventures each day! We celebrated his parents 60th wedding anniversary – have to admit that is a life goal of mine. We got almost three weeks with our younger daughter before she headed off on her big adventure overseas.

I am also grateful that this year has been a good one as far as my ministry within the church. I have met many fine folk in this diocese who are committed to the work of reconciliation between Indigenous and settler in Canada and in particular our part of Canada. They want to educate themselves, they want to build up relationships, they want the church to become part of that story. This work keeps me energized in so many important ways.

The dear one and I celebrated 30 years of marriage this year and that really is a high point for both of us. We have been through so much together – both good, bad, silly, humdrum, fantastic and boring. We still look at each other and are amazed by the others love and are ever so grateful.

Here’s the tough stuff. No one warns, or at least not in my hearing, cancer survivors of the high rate of depression following treatment. I mean, really, you don’t think that someone’s emotional and mental health are as important as their physical health. I have to say that throughout this I am extremely grateful to the dear one for supporting me through that and for my family doctor and my therapist – they both got me through the worst. So a shout out to all of you dealing with cancer and its treatment, make sure that you get the help you need to deal with the mental and emotional bits as well as the physical bits.

The rest of the tough stuff is the part of the world I have no control over. The state of politics in the world, the rise of racist, right wing ideologies that just freak me out! The state of our environment – if you are a climate change denier please do some honest to goodness research and let’s all work together to leave a better planet for future generations. The state of so many women’s lives – please hear this men, feminism is not out to destroy you, it’s out to make the world a better place for all of us. I honestly think we can all do better in this regard.

Here are some of my goals for 2017:

  1. To write here more often – it does me good to write and so I am going to commit to at least two posts a month. Oh my goodness, I just put that out there.
  2. To move more – generally this means walking for me, but I also need to get in the water more. I have to get over my ‘they will be looking at me’ fear and just move more.
  3. To drink different beers – so many good beers out there.
  4. To laugh as loudly and as often as I can.
  5. To support those dealing with cancer. It is those of us who have gone through it that can be the best supporters for those going through it.
  6. To pray each day – I know right, you’d think a Christian woman living out her faith would already do this- but you know I really need to dig down into this.
  7. Find a way to deal with my chronic pain that doesn’t spoil every bit of my life – those of you who live with chronic pain will know what I am talking about.
  8. Have more people over for meals, drinks, whatever and spread the hospitality around – it is good for me when I can do this.
  9. I am going to work hard at speaking my truth, standing up for justice, reminding others that reconciliation is necessary and possible, that a healthy environment is our gift to the future.
  10. To find beauty wherever I can – because my goodness this is a beautiful world and there are so many creative people out there, it won’t be hard to find – for me a big part of that will be found in my garden. Oh yes, I am already dreaming of spring.

Thanks dear readers for hanging in there with me. You have brought out the best in me and I appreciate that. Got any goals for 2017? I’d love to hear them. Going to leave you with some final thoughts from a hero of mine Archbishop Desmond Tutu:

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Happy New Year to one and all!!

 

 

One Year: Or what the hell happened there?

These four pictures essentially outline my last year – from hair to no hair, chemo 6 times over, to now growing in curly hair. What a year it has been!

I woke up in the early evening of June 2, 2015 to realize with a shock that my surgery that was supposed to only take a couple of hours had gone at least an hour longer. Then to realize that I was being admitted to the hospital – it was only supposed to be day surgery. Then hearing my dear one’s voice asking me how I was doing and saying that my doctor would be in soon. She came in and told me that I had ovarian cancer, stage 2 and that I would be needing chemotherapy to make sure that we had got it all. Yep, that was a day!

Then came the summer and fall from hell. Well, not really hell, but really, really uncomfortable. I had blood taken, oh so much blood taken, was hooked up to an IV for at least 4 hours every 3 weeks, lost all my hair, lost my energy and then neuropathy in my feet happened. I have to admit, I have never felt such pain and never want to again, as I did in my feet.

Then recovery, the slow, slow recovery. I had imagined that once chemo was over, that everything would go back to normal. Silly, silly me. Here I am, 6 months post-chemo and I am still recovering. My hair is growing back, my energy is returning, but there have been and continue to be bumps along this road. I am still dealing with neuropathy in my feet and it is likely that will continue for at least the next year. I have a situational depression which is being dealt with in all the right ways.

Here are some things I have learned and wished I had known when this all started:

  1. How cold my head got with no hair – thank God for my little knitted cap which made all the difference in the world.
  2. That you need to tell your medical folks right away if you are dealing with an out of control pain incident. Took us all awhile to find what I needed to make it better.
  3. That sleep in whatever form it comes is needed. Daily naps are such a blessing.
  4. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness but a sign of strength. You don’t need to do this alone.
  5. Eating good food helps, but sometimes ice cream is all you want to eat – so why not??
  6. A good therapist/counselor makes such a difference in so many ways.
  7. Having an integrated medical team is essential – thank goodness I had/have that.
  8. Losing my hair was the least obnoxious of the side effects – hair grows back!
  9. Grieving for what has been lost takes it own sweet time – don’t think I’m done with that yet.
  10. Best friends you can text whenever and about whatever are so important!! So thankful I had mine.

If you are going through cancer treatment, please surround yourself with all the love and support you can. If you know someone who is going through treatment, reach out to them, they will be so thankful you did. If your partner is going through cancer treatment, be as strong as you are able, ask for help when you need it.

Lastly I want to publicly thank my dear one. He stood by me, rocked me when I wept, sat beside me during all of my treatments, brought me flowers, let me sleep, fed me good, good food, showered me with so much love and grace. I don’t know what I would have done without him. Love you dearest. Always and forever.

 

World Ovarian Cancer Day

wocd-newsToday is World Ovarian Cancer Day it also happens to be Mother’s Day, which is kind of weird if you think about it. Many of you know that I was diagnosed with Stage 2 ovarian cancer in June 2015. I have been through surgery and chemo and am hoping that it is well and thoroughly gone!

Here’s the weird part, the thing that made me a mother was ovaries that worked well and did their job. The thing that made me sick was my ovaries that went rogue on me. They have been both my greatest blessing and also my greatest hardship. I must admit to feeling quite torn about them.

Most people think that there is a simple test to find out if you have cancer. A blood test that will show tumor markers. My blood work never, ever showed those markers and yet I had a tumor that was almost 10 centimeters in diameter by the time of my surgery. I know that some cancers have such tests & yay that they do, but ovarian cancer does not. Also this cancer is slippery. The symptoms could almost be symptoms for anything – bloating, fatigue, back ache, trouble going to the bathroom – try taking those to your doctor and having them go – I know what that is, you have ovarian cancer. Ovarian Cancer Canada has great resources that can help and also has been my go to place during this journey.

I will say this if you have a great doctor who listens and sends you for the appropriate tests and gets you to the right specialist – you will get amazing care. Which is what happened to me and I couldn’t be more grateful. We all know that my story could have been so different and the outcomes wouldn’t have been as good as they are so far.

A shout out to all the girls and women who have gone through ovarian cancer, especially to those thousands in Canada who die each year because of this disease. Here’s to the survivors and the advocates, who keep sharing the stories. Here’s to the partners, families and friends who make it possible to continue when you just don’t think you can.

This World Ovarian Cancer Day I am so grateful that I get to be here and celebrate this Mother’s Day. I know now that this could have been so different. I know now that we need more research. I am so grateful that there are so many who get out there to raise money and awareness.

Today I will be grateful. Grateful that I have three wonderful adult children, grateful that the dear one and I are still making this work, grateful for my amazing medical team, grateful for the science and research that made it possible for me to be here. I will continue to honour World Ovarian Cancer Day and hopefully make others aware. I will also continue to celebrate Mother’s Day because my goodness I’m glad to be a mum and to have had a wonderful mum.

Counting the Steps

cys2You all know about those pedometer thingys – the ones that count each step you take – there to help you get into better shape and monitor your activity. Well I have never had one, at least not until I got my newest smart phone.

For fun, I decided to look at it and see how I was doing. Well to be honest it was atrocious!! I have never really liked exercise, but I have always liked to walk and I thought I was going to be up there you know. Well I am not!

At the moment I am averaging about 3500 steps per day and on a good day about 4000. That is no where close to what they say you are supposed to do to be healthy, which is about 10,000 steps. I have a long way to go before I get there that is for sure.

Remember how I had chemotherapy last year to deal with that nasty ole cancer thing. One of the side effects of chemo is that you lose muscle mass. They tell you to keep being as active as you can, but seriously when you are so wiped out from the chemo, that getting from the bedroom to the kitchen to make a cup of tea is a heroic act, how are you supposed to be active!

So muscle mass I have lost. What this means is that my legs hurt after I go for a 15 minute walk. They hurt like I walked for several hours. I mean they really hurt. I hope you are getting the picture now. It has kept me from walking even when I knew that I needed to go for that walk.

I am telling you all of this because I need to go public with some goals, otherwise they won’t happen. You all know about that right?

  • Goal #1 – to take at least a 15 minute daily walk for the rest of April
  • Goal #2 – to up that to 30 minutes by the end of May
  • Goal #3 – to up that to 45 minutes by the end of June

There we go, simple attainable goals, which might include the counting of steps, if I remember to take my phone with me, or might not.

Who wants to go walking with me?

 

55 Times around the Sun

55 Times around the Sun That’s right, I  have been around the amazing sun of ours, on this wonderful earth of ours, 55 times. It seemed to me, that given everything that has happened this year, I needed to find a way to mark this event. Here goes, 55 gratitudes. learnings, events in my life I want to share with you. This may take a while to read so go grab a beverage and when you are done reading, raise your glass and send me a virtual toast!

  1. For being born to a strong mother, a not always there biological father, and, he didn’t know it at the time, also to a man who became my dad.
  2. Learning how to welcome – new Dad, new sister, new extended family – at such a young age that it now has become part of who I am.
  3. That we moved to Canada and didn’t stay in England – sorry England family, but it really was one of the best decisions my mother ever made.
  4. Steaming vegetables really is better than boiling them!
  5. Grateful for so many good books that I have read for all the ones I haven’t discovered yet.
  6. For all the beautiful places in Canada that I have been and for those yet to be discovered.
  7. Being a woman and recognizing that means I need to be a feminist and call out for the equality of all.
  8. Having lived in so many different places in this great big country and that has meant I have friends in so many different places. Grateful for all those communities.
  9. That my faith has been part of my life, challenged me, strengthened me, pushed me, hopefully made me a better person.
  10. Dark chocolate is so much better than milk chocolate – just sayin’.
  11. Canadian health care for all its faults is still one of the best systems in the world.
  12. Moving to Saskatchewan with my family is one of the best things that ever happened to me – for there I met both my bestie and my dear one.
  13. Drink water when you’re thirsty and even when you aren’t – hydration is essential!
  14. Good friends and family will get you and yours through almost anything.
  15. A good cry or a good laugh are essential to living well.
  16. Look for beauty everywhere – it is everywhere – enjoy it, let it feed your soul.
  17. Be thankful everyday for something, even if it has been a horrible day, find something to be thankful for.
  18. Community whether a church, a book club, a team, friends, is life giving and should always be nurtured.
  19. Good food is such a blessing and making good food for others is a treasure.
  20. My mother’s death at such a young age shaped me in ways I am still discovering.
  21. I love mornings – get my best work done then – afternoons, not so much.
  22. Sleeping next to someone you love is the best!
  23. Cake, there is always cake.
  24. Camping is always a good thing and best done with people you love.
  25. Being a Girl Guide prepared me to be a good woman and a good neighbour.
  26. Baby giggles, there is not much in the world that is better than baby giggles.
  27. Marriage is about love, yes, but also about communication and honouring the other in your life. I am so grateful for my good marriage to the dear one.
  28. Good, strong, fair trade coffee is so worthy of praise!
  29. Singing, music of any kind, is good for the soul.
  30. Being a mother has been amazing, frustrating, gratifying, sometimes disastrous, always full of love. Wouldn’t change this at all.
  31. Travel of any kind to almost anywhere is a good thing. I need to do more of it.
  32. When the dear one and I got married we had no idea of the adventures life would throw at us both good and not so good. We are still doing it together which is wonderful!
  33. Cheese! How good is cheese and so many different kinds to enjoy!
  34. Learn as much as you can about as many things as you can. Keep on learning new things and new skills. It is important!
  35. Enjoying your adult children as friends is a blessing in so many ways.
  36. Drink good wine, don’t drink bad wine – there is so much good wine in the world to enjoy.
  37. Try as hard you can to be respectful to others and work at understanding their points of view – hard, but necessary work for all of us.
  38. See beauty wherever you go. There is so much of it to enjoy, but you need to see it.
  39. Be kind to those you know and those you don’t know. Random acts of kindness should come as naturally as breathing. Be kind.
  40. Board games with family and friends are such excellent fun!
  41. I am so grateful that i have found a passion to guide my life, find yours, do it if you can.
  42. A good cup of tea is something to be cherished every day, especially during my downtime in the afternoon.
  43. Creativity feeds me regularly, through writing, sketching, photography.
  44. Living with cancer has been hard, but the way friends and family have reached out and supported me is amazing. I don’t even have words.
  45. Hanging out with people of different ages has stretched me in ways that I couldn’t have imagined. This has made me a better person.
  46. Volunteer if you can. Being able to serve different organizations in different ways has made my life richer.
  47. Naps, I love naps. Don’t take near enough of them.
  48. Hot chocolate after being outside on a really cold day – so much goodness in that cup.
  49. Sharing little joys as well as big joys with others is so important.
  50. Justice seeking, peace building, reconciling are all hard work, but so necessary in this broken world of ours.
  51. A kitty purring on my lap is just so happy making I don’t have enough words to describe it.
  52. Gardening continues to be a love of mine. Getting my hands in the dirt, watching things grow, bloom both inside plants and outside ones makes me feel so connected to God’s creation.
  53. Good conversation around the dinner table with good friends, life doesn’t get much better than that. So grateful that I have been part of so many and looking forward to many more.
  54. A good belly laugh or laughing with others does me so much good. It is so restorative.
  55. Hugs with ones you care about are the best comfort we can give each other sometimes.

Thanks for reading this far. I am looking forward to many more times around the sun before I leave this earth. I am so grateful to be coming out the other side of chemo. Bless you and here’s to birthdays!

Thanksgiving

As you know dear reader I have been going through chemo for ovarian cancer for the last 3 months. I had chemo session number 5 yesterday and it is now Thanksgiving weekend here in Canada and all of that got me to thinking about what I am thankful for. I decided that I would use a series of photos to share with you what I am grateful for this year.

Gratitude #1

Thanksgiving I am so grateful for our Canadian Health Care system. A system that does not see us paying crazy amounts of private health insurance, a system that moved into high gear when it was realized that I might have cancer and when my diagnosis came through got me into chemotherapy right away, a system that has trained such good people at all levels – from receptionists, to lab techs, to nurses, to my amazing doctors. So even though a lot of going through chemo can be quite crappy I am grateful for it because I know my life is going to be better once I get through it.

Gratitude #2

ThanksgivingMy dear one, my love, my husband, my dearest one. He has hung in through all of this journey called marriage with me – through our best times, through our worst times. We have been through sickness and health, better and worse, richer and poorer over the last almost 30 years and we still laugh, enjoy movies together, good food, travelling adventures, intellectual discussions, prayer time, snuggles, being with family and friends. My life is richer, stretched, and oh so much more delightful because of him. I give thanks everyday for him.

Gratitude #3

ThanksgivingThese four! My lovelies – my own adult children and the one who married into our family. I can’t imagine our lives without any of them now. They have brought me so much love that my heart often feels like it is overflowing. They love and care for each other in delightful ways, they enjoy each others company and they enjoy our company. We play board games, drink beer and wine, cook and eat good food, laugh together. They have been so supportive and there during this rough time. They make me so proud and I am so glad to call them family. They are the heart of my heart always.

Gratitude #4

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving This gratitude gets two photos, because unfortunately I don’t have a photo with the three us of together. The first photo is with my sister and the second one is with the sister of my heart. These two women are the ones who keep me going on days when nothing else will. They listen to me moan, vent, cry, laugh whenever I need them. They are always there. I am so grateful for that. I don’t see either of them often enough, because of distance, but they are always in my heart, prayers and thoughts and I know that it is the same for them. My life is richer because of them and I want to say publicly here thank you and love you both so much. Don’t cry now you two!

Gratitude #5

ThanksgivingThe dear one and i have had cats our whole married life. There have been 10 of them altogether, including these two. They have brought us laughter, comfort, grace and so much more. These two in particular have been my buddies through all of the last several months. They seem to know when I need an extra cuddle or just quiet lap time. I am so grateful for them and I know my/our life would be less without them.

Underlying all of these gratitudes is my faith. Faith that God lives in, through and acts through each of these gratitudes that I have named today. I have seen God’s grace be present in all of them sometimes when none of us were expecting that. I would be remiss not to give a honorary mention to all the church communities that I have been part of for over 40 years – they have fed me, strengthened me, encouraged me and given me some lifelong friendships. I wouldn’t be who I am without them. If you are part of one them still know that I give grateful thanks to our God for you all regularly.

Happy Thanksgiving to all my Canadian readers and to those of you who aren’t know that we here in Canada will be giving thanks that we all live in this world together!

Life between Chemo Sessions

I admit it, I still don’t like saying the words that I have cancer and in particular I don’t like saying the words ovarian cancer. Hard words to say, harder I think for others to hear. I keep reminding myself and others that my prognosis is good, that I will get through this, that my hair will grow back, that my energy and focus will come back, that the neuropathy pain will subside, that there will be life after chemo. Right now, however, my life is what I do or don’t do between chemo sessions.

Ovarian Cancer Canada Sunflower

This has been a difficult week pain wise. I am dealing with peripheral neuropathy pain which is a side effect of the chemo medications. This means that I am getting numbness, tingling and worst of all burning pain in my feet, lower legs, hands and lower arms. It has been hard and I have been grumpy and not sleeping well. I have been taking pain meds and am on a longer term acting med (which takes time to build up in my system) to deal with it. My health care providers have told me that it is likely that this will last for several months after the chemo treatments have finished.

Sharing all this not to look for sympathy but to let others know what it is like to live on chemo – it is hard. Be gentle with those of us who are dealing with it. Ask before hugging, it may not be a good day for it. Pray, if you pray, for those of us living with it to have the strength and courage to get through it. I have shed more tears of late than I thought I had left in me.

Life between chemo sessions right now is about managing the side effects, making sure I get enough sleep (thank God for afternoon naps), drinking lots and lots of fluids, eating the right foods, watching more TV than is probably good for me, getting some small tasks done each day, hanging with the dear one, remembering to take all my meds and supplements to deal with the side effects, small walks that get me outside, reaching out to friends and family for love and support and sometimes just being.

Rocking a scarf and earrings! Some days are good.

I know I haven’t written a lot lately, it takes a lot of energy to write. Hopefully when I am through the chemo life there will be more to write about. In the meantime, thank you dear readers for hanging in with me, thank you for your notes of support, for your prayers and your good wishes. Not doing this alone and for that I am most grateful.

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