Faith from the Edges

Faith and life from the perspective of me.

Archive for the month “March, 2012”

Words and their power

At the beginning of this year a friend sent me a link to a blog site that deals with creativity and in particular in choosing words to help guide your year. This thought intrigued me and I begin to ponder what words I might choose for the year.

I love words. I love how they sound in our mouths. I am aware of  the power they have to both hurt and to heal. I love putting ideas into words and sharing those with others. It has been words, writing and speaking them, that have gotten me through much of the last three years. Words are how I express my feelings and concerns.

Those of you who are friends with me on Facebook will know that I usually comment a lot on others statuses and that it is a rare day that goes by that I don’t write one of my own. It is my way of saying I am here, I matter and what others are saying about me, about the dear one, about our family just don’t matter. I use words to strengthen the positive in my life when I am surrounded by so much that is negative.

I think this is one of the reasons why I am an Anglican. We like words those of us Christians that are Anglicans. We have prayer books that are full of words. Common words that we share when we pray and sing. Words that connect us, words that challenge us, words that strengthen us. I don’t know an active Anglican who when they hear the words The Lord be with you  doesn’t answer with And also with you. Words that gather us, forgive us, feed us and then send us on our way.

So now back to my words for this year. They are courage, joy, and voice. Those words have been a big part of why I started this blog.

Courage to share my story. Courage to name the grief that I have been living with. Courage to reach out to my friends and family for support.

I am looking for joy. Not big joy. Little joy. The joy of a warm spring day. The joy of a good sleep. The joy of sharing a moment of laughter with a friend.

I have needed to remember my voice. That I can speak, write and share my voice with others. That my voice matters. That I have ideas to share with others. I am taking back my voice.

Words are amazing. They help us to communicate. They give me courage and joy and voice as I live out my life of faith at the edges.

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Travelling & Renovating

I have been travelling for work the last week. Stayed with friends over the weekend and then my folks for the rest of the week. It struck me today that travelling is a metaphor for what I have been going through lately. I am living out of suitcase. I am not at home. In much the same way when I am at home I feel adrift and without a church home. On the positive side travelling takes me places and lets me experience new things – like riding the train between Ottawa and Toronto.

We have also been doing work on our home over the last year. It has been a way for the dear one to keep focused and have a sense of purpose during this time away from parish life. This has meant that various rooms have been packed up, cleared out, painted and in some cases floors redone! So we have been living as nomads within our own home. This past couple of weeks the dining room has been undergoing its freshening up – which meant that the table was moved into the living room and other furniture was moved around. This too has been a metaphor of my life. Unsettled and chaotic at times but then moving into fresher, cleaner, updated spaces.

I am beginning to see a bit of a pattern here. Feeling like I don’t have a home but the promise of something new to come. Chaos and being unsettled are where I need to live for the moment. That eventually there will be something fresher, cleaner and updated for me.

Travelling through this desert time with some shimmers of hope on the horizon.

Waves of Grief

Yesterday was  a day full of grief. I was on the edges of tears all day. I am full of sorrow for the place that we are in as a family. A place of loneliness and despair. At the moment I cannot see a way forward.

Grief sometimes just takes a hold of me and won’t let go. It doesn’t matter how many positive thoughts I try to have. It is just there. Lurking in the background waiting to grab me, shake me and leave me weeping. The feeling of abandonment is so real and so not where I had hoped to be at this point in my life.

Then I remember that tears are healing and that the grief will come to an end in its own time. That grief does come in waves and the waves come in and then they go out. I just have to learn how to ride those waves.

Today I feel like I am riding the wave. I am feeling in control of my emotions.  I am aware that at any moment something may trigger the grief and I will be in trough between the waves. Then I just have to let myself weep and lament and let the grief work itself out.

I begin to wonder as I go through the grief where God is in the midst of this. I wonder how I could have ended up on the edges of the church that I have given so much of my life to – professionally and as a volunteer. I wonder if I will ever be able to make my way back into a community of faith or if I will always feel like I am living on the edges.

For now I will let my grief be what it is and not fight it. I will wait for God while walking through the desert.

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