#AdventWord #Believe

I believe, you believe, we believe. But what is belief? What does it mean? Before I got really sick, the dear one preached a sermon explaining the word believe. That to believe is to trust. Trust in God, trust that Jesus is walking with you, to trust your community – to believe in all of that. When I was sickest from the chemo because of my cancer, I hung on to that. I had to I had little else to hang on to at that moment. I had to believe, to trust, have faith that I was going to get through all of it and come out the other side.

It was trusting that the light would return, that God’s grace would be enough, that my community would continue to pray for me, that the medical people knew what they were doing. Trusting that I would get through it all.

Today’s Advent Word, believe struck such a nerve today because I realized how much I had hung on to that trust.  I trusted that others would pray for me when I couldn’t pray.  I trusted that even when the pain in my feet from the neuropathy was so bad I was crying that Jesus was holding me tight. I trusted that I would get through this horrible thing called cancer. I believed. I believe that the light will return. I believe that I will get my life back. I believe.

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Life between Chemo Sessions

I admit it, I still don’t like saying the words that I have cancer and in particular I don’t like saying the words ovarian cancer. Hard words to say, harder I think for others to hear. I keep reminding myself and others that my prognosis is good, that I will get through this, that my hair will grow back, that my energy and focus will come back, that the neuropathy pain will subside, that there will be life after chemo. Right now, however, my life is what I do or don’t do between chemo sessions.

This has been a difficult week pain wise. I am dealing with peripheral neuropathy pain which is a side effect of the chemo medications. This means that I am getting numbness, tingling and worst of all burning pain in my feet, lower legs, hands and lower arms. It has been hard and I have been grumpy and not sleeping well. I have been taking pain meds and am on a longer term acting med (which takes time to build up in my system) to deal with it. My health care providers have told me that it is likely that this will last for several months after the chemo treatments have finished.

Sharing all this not to look for sympathy but to let others know what it is like to live on chemo – it is hard. Be gentle with those of us who are dealing with it. Ask before hugging, it may not be a good day for it. Pray, if you pray, for those of us living with it to have the strength and courage to get through it. I have shed more tears of late than I thought I had left in me.

Life between chemo sessions right now is about managing the side effects, making sure I get enough sleep (thank God for afternoon naps), drinking lots and lots of fluids, eating the right foods, watching more TV than is probably good for me, getting some small tasks done each day, hanging with the dear one, remembering to take all my meds and supplements to deal with the side effects, small walks that get me outside, reaching out to friends and family for love and support and sometimes just being.

I know I haven’t written a lot lately, it takes a lot of energy to write. Hopefully when I am through the chemo life there will be more to write about. In the meantime, thank you dear readers for hanging in with me, thank you for your notes of support, for your prayers and your good wishes. Not doing this alone and for that I am most grateful.

Ne Worry Pas

The dear one and I are over half way through a wonderful week at the Sorrento Centre in the BC Shuswap valley. We are both taking great courses that are good for both of us & are getting lots of R & R in as well. At the back of my head though is a countdown clock looking to next week. 

 
I am trying not to worry – ne worry pas – but it is so hard. I go to see my specialist on Monday and also have my chemo education. If things go as they should I will be having my first session next Tuesday. This is a preventative chemo just to get rid of any possible cancer cells that might be floating around. I don’t yet know how many sessions or how I will react to them.

Ne worry pas I keep telling myself. You have made it this far. Your doctors have been outstanding. All the visible cancer is gone. This is just to make sure it is all gone. 

As each day comes & goes and as my internal clock continues its countdown I am working on giving this to God. Ne worry pas has become my mantra for the moment. I have confidence in the medical system – they have done so well by me already – I have confidence in the cancer researchers who have improved the chances for survival for so many. 

I have healed well from my surgery & now I need to ready myself for this next step. Thank you all for the continuing prayers and support. Together we will ne worry pas.