Faith from the Edges

Faith and life from the perspective of me.

Friendship, Loss and Learning

I lost a friend this week. She didn’t die,  she decided to stop being my friend. This friend got me through a lot in the year following my mother’s death. I came out stronger in that year because of that friendship. I was a good friend as well. I helped this friend through some nasty stuff when she decided it was time to leave her abusive husband. She taught me a lot about domestic violence and its impact on the children of the marriage, on other family members and on friendships. She taught me a lot about standing up for what I know is right and true. She was a good friend. I am grieving the loss of this friendship.


It is not important what I did or what she did. The friendship has ended and it has ended badly. There are hurt feelings on both sides. I am not sure that we will be able to come back from it at all. I am sad and dismayed that it has come to this point. My chain of friends has been broken and my heart feels like it is breaking as well. It will take time to get over this.

What have  I learned? No matter how carefully I craft what I want to say it will be misconstrued. That standing up for what one knows to be right can be costly, this costly. That I still love my friend and will always love her even if she doesn’t know or want to hear from me. That God is there in the midst of all this messiness even when I can’t see how. That while anger will burn hot and fast, grief will burn slow and longer.

I will miss my friend. I will grieve what we have lost. I will pray that reconciliation can happen.

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3 thoughts on “Friendship, Loss and Learning

  1. So very sorry Fiona. I know something of the pain you are going through because I too have lost someone special although it was probably more my fault than his. I had a rough couple of years and I guess I thought my friend would understand and be there for me regardless but we are both “needy” people and I guess I ran out of energy. Nevertheless it is painful when you share a journey for many years and that journey ends. Like you I too hope my friend can still be a part of my life sometimes someone has to be the “bigger” person and simply forgive and let go. If a friendship is truly based on love and mutual respect and understanding then healing and reconciliation are always possible. But if its one person’s ego and they cling to the desire to be right at all costs then you have to weigh whether it is worth it or not. My heart breaks for you and without knowing the details I sense that you would be very eager to heal this breach but consider the cost to yourself as well. Love and prayers are going your way.

  2. I could not believe it when I read your last posting. The same thing happened to me a few years ago.
    I had a very close friend ,we had lunch every week..we shared every holiday around the same table, sometimes here, sometimes there.
    Then things changed and I still do not know what happened. All I know is that our closeness was suddenly gone and I felt like I was in the wilderness, alone and so sad. For the first time in my life I was depressed and would go for long walks and cry. None of our mutual friends could explain what happened and we never ,ever made amends.
    My old friend died a few years ago from cancer. She had a very difficult death and I could not do anything but send her cards and letters almost every day. I heard from her just once, She thanked me for my concern. I couldn’t go to her funeral because it was just immediate family.
    Since her death I think of her often,our house is full of things that she gave me, paintings, crafts and we have said goodbye to her husband who moved out of Provence last year.
    If I have gone on too long I do apologize but I was struck by the similarity between our experiences,
    If I have any wisdom to share it might be to know that you will always hold that old friend in your heart no matter what. I still pray for ML , her 2 daughters and her widower. She will forever be a part of my life and I miss her still.

  3. June Shoemaker on said:

    I have also had friendships end. It is indeed something to grieve. But some friends need to be let go. I went through a bad time too, back in the late ’80’s. A friend, very like your’s, came to my aid. But when I got my poop in a group I discovered she preferred me needy. It was a hard thing to face, and hard to let the friendship go. I am so sorry for your hurt.

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