Faith from the Edges

Faith and life from the perspective of me.

Waves of Grief

Yesterday was  a day full of grief. I was on the edges of tears all day. I am full of sorrow for the place that we are in as a family. A place of loneliness and despair. At the moment I cannot see a way forward.

Grief sometimes just takes a hold of me and won’t let go. It doesn’t matter how many positive thoughts I try to have. It is just there. Lurking in the background waiting to grab me, shake me and leave me weeping. The feeling of abandonment is so real and so not where I had hoped to be at this point in my life.

Then I remember that tears are healing and that the grief will come to an end in its own time. That grief does come in waves and the waves come in and then they go out. I just have to learn how to ride those waves.

Today I feel like I am riding the wave. I am feeling in control of my emotions.  I am aware that at any moment something may trigger the grief and I will be in trough between the waves. Then I just have to let myself weep and lament and let the grief work itself out.

I begin to wonder as I go through the grief where God is in the midst of this. I wonder how I could have ended up on the edges of the church that I have given so much of my life to – professionally and as a volunteer. I wonder if I will ever be able to make my way back into a community of faith or if I will always feel like I am living on the edges.

For now I will let my grief be what it is and not fight it. I will wait for God while walking through the desert.

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2 thoughts on “Waves of Grief

  1. Megan on said:

    In a wilderness time f my own, my spiritual director said to me, “When you feel so brittle and fear that you will crack apart, tears are what keep you flexible enough to bend.”

    So prayers for tears, and for moments of desert oasis…

  2. Dan Jorgensen on said:

    I remember listening to Dr. Pan’s mother speak once, before you came to St. Alban’s I believe. She was an elderly lady of course, but she had been a respected senior doctor and a Christian at the time of the communist revolution in China.

    At that time, everyone was expected to renounce all prior beliefs and commit their loyalty to the communist party. When she was told this, Dr. Pan said, “You are asking me to sell my soul. I cannot do this.”

    After a period of warnings and threats by the communists and refusals to deny Christ by her, Dr. Pan was stripped of her title and her qualifications and was made to mop the floor in the hospital where she had once supervised. Her co-workers, who had once deferred to her and treated her with respect now shook their heads, called her foolish and sometimes treated her very poorly, if only to improve their own appearance before the party spies that were all around, waiting for people to slip up. She was overwhelmed with grief at her downfall.

    One day, she asked herself, “Why did I ever become a doctor?”

    “To serve people and do the Lord’s work” was her own reply and then a second question came to her mind.

    “If the Lord wants me to serve by mopping the floors then who am I to argue? I will do His work with joy.”

    People were soon surprised to hear Dr. Pan singing happily while she mopped the floors. They thought she’d lost it, but their jeering was met with blessings from her and she did not hide her joy in the Lord. The communists could not break her faith and eventually her life turned around. She obviously was able to get out of communist China and she regained her title of Doctor.

    I can’t recall the rest of her story, but I’ve never forgotten the question she asked herself, “If the Lord wants me to serve by mopping floors then who am I to argue?” or her determination to do His work with joy, no matter what it was.

    A good philosphy for us all.

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