Waves of Grief
Yesterday was a day full of grief. I was on the edges of tears all day. I am full of sorrow for the place that we are in as a family. A place of loneliness and despair. At the moment I cannot see a way forward.
Grief sometimes just takes a hold of me and won’t let go. It doesn’t matter how many positive thoughts I try to have. It is just there. Lurking in the background waiting to grab me, shake me and leave me weeping. The feeling of abandonment is so real and so not where I had hoped to be at this point in my life.
Then I remember that tears are healing and that the grief will come to an end in its own time. That grief does come in waves and the waves come in and then they go out. I just have to learn how to ride those waves.
Today I feel like I am riding the wave. I am feeling in control of my emotions. I am aware that at any moment something may trigger the grief and I will be in trough between the waves. Then I just have to let myself weep and lament and let the grief work itself out.
I begin to wonder as I go through the grief where God is in the midst of this. I wonder how I could have ended up on the edges of the church that I have given so much of my life to – professionally and as a volunteer. I wonder if I will ever be able to make my way back into a community of faith or if I will always feel like I am living on the edges.
For now I will let my grief be what it is and not fight it. I will wait for God while walking through the desert.